Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Where did it go? (and will it come back)

I used to doodle. All the time. I used to write stories and elaborate, carefully-worded, fanciful emails. I used to have fantastical daydreams and nonsensical plans I half believed in.

I used to have walls covered with 'inspiration' and spend tube journeys planning my site-specific specialist dance company, or the magazine I would create, or the books I would write.

I used to always include 'creative' or 'imaginative' if pushed to complete that annoying exercise of describing oneself in three words.

Nowadays 'sensible' springs to mind. 'Pedantic' perhaps. Restrained. Messy. Busy. Somewhat efficient even. But not imaginative. Not creative. Because I neither imagine nor create anymore.

I never doodle. I make lists. There are no stories in my mind, just a constant rolling inventory of what to do and when I should do it. My emails are brief to the point of curtness.

I sat down at a cafe the other day and 'allowed' myself to doodle. But nothing came. My mind just wanted to list what I need to sort and what I could make for dinner. My university notes were never more than about 10% comprehensible - they always became covered in nonsense and drawings. I used not be able to stop it, and now I can't start it.

Oh you could still say I was 'creative' I suppose. I mean, I create dinners out of really peculiar fridge contents sometimes. And I invent nonsense songs on the spot as I potter around with the baby. And I have little craft projects to do (but they are much more about relaxation and an activity for me than 'creativeness').

I miss it. I miss that bit of my brain.

Is it just being a parent, I wonder? Half my brain eroded by sleep deprivation; the other half crammed full of constant things to do.

Or did it start when I left my dead-end job (and my colleagues there - fellow idling amateur writers/designers/dancers/musicians) and fell into accountancy, somewhat accidentally. That intense training does rather warp one's thinking.

Either way, I do hope at some point that it will come back.

Thursday, 10 February 2011


Crocuses! (crocii???)

Friday, 4 February 2011

Let go

I wanted to post about this (brown rice and carrots - mmm!) and that (my lost creativity) and the other (can't even remember)

I wanted to get through the unreads on my google reader and comment on the posts I've been enjoying on the iphone but not been able to comment on

The voices in my brain are holding an uninformed debate about childminder vs nursery and this location vs that location vs that location rather incessantly

I am - 6 months early - starting to worry about how it'll be to go back to work

We are not in our usual pattern today - less sleeping, more crying, more feeding, less getting anything done

I didn't load the dishwasher

(I did catch up with two nice mummies)

I have a lot of emails I ought to write

And I meant to make a phone call and I'm not sure I have the energy

I feel like a minger with unwashed hair, ill-fitting clothes and irritable eyes

I have things to send and friends I haven't contacted in an absolute age

I have to let go of all that right now. Sit down, have a cup of tea whilst the child is - mercifully - still asleep, work out what the priorities are again when I have refueled and ready to go. Maybe watch a dodgy mid-afternoon quiz on the tv. Maybe even breathe a little.